I found out you were coming to this world on a warm, breezy day in August of 2009. After sleeping all day long&' DESPISING the smell of chocolate, I realized that I might need to take a pregnancy test. Lo&' behold, 2 little pink lines. So, I took another. There was a plus sign.
I was pregnant.
I was going to be a mom.
Panic.
Excitement.
Nausea.
Joy.
Panic.
Love.
My pregnancy was very emotional. A lot was going on in that time period; I didn't really get to enjoy that time. It was a rollercoaster of emotions (and not just cause of the hormones!). I had my heart broken-- not just for me, but for you as well. I also broke a heart. I was so lost&' so confused, but one things stayed constant:
I needed you to have the very best life.
Before I knew it, May had rolled around&' I was counting the days to your arrival.
Finally, you were here. After a hard labor, a lot of tears&' finally overwhelming joy, you were here. You were mine. My perfect, precious baby boy. I had waited so long to meet you. You were perfect. You had his hair (exactly what I wanted) and my nose. You were so tall, your hands&' feet so big! I still, to this day, can't believe how beautiful you are. You were smiling on the day you were born. I stayed up all night, just staring at you. I couldn't wrap my head around you; how amazing. I believe in love at first sight because I'm a mom; because of you.
Please always know that I love you. And please know, that I tried. I wanted so badly to be your mommy, but I couldn't. I was in such a bad place. How could I possibly take care of you, when I couldn't even take care of myself? It wouldn't have been fair to you to drag you through my mess of a world.
So I did what I knew was best, what my heart was telling me: I decided to place you for adoption. And lucky for me, I knew the perfect people for you. Shannon&' Bryan. My sister&' her husband. They are the perfect fit for you. Shannon loved you so much from the day she found out you were coming&' I knew that there could simply not be a better choice. The day I asked her to adopt you, was one of the hardest days of my life. My heart was breaking.
Your parents agreed; they would love nothing more to add you to their darling family.
After that, I just... fell apart. I lost my way, I lost myself. I was hurting, but the most important thing in the world to me was that you were okay. And yes-- there was a lot of craziness in the time spanning to your adoption. And someday, you'll hear it all. All of the messiness, hear about the tears shed, the frustrations, and the happy times too.
It took me a long time, but I finally got myself to a place where I was healthy again. And you grew up so fast. You're so smart, so handsome, so funny. Everyone says you look like me, have little quirks like I do. I feel like I got all of that from you. You've taught me so much..
After 2 years, we got the news that the adoption could finally take place; what a bittersweet day that was. My heart broke again&' again as I signed those papers, but seeing you with your family, your amazing mom, sisters&' daddy, I knew that this was right. This was why you were sent to me.
I am so proud of the person you are becoming&' I hope someday you'll be proud of me too. I can't wait to keep watching you grow, hear about all the funny things you do. I am so blessed to have you in my life&' so grateful for your family.
I love you more than you will ever know, Kaden, my little burrito.
Love always,
me.
Please like&' share my new Facebook page for adoption support--
www.facebook.com/BirthMotherFirstMother
I was pregnant.
I was going to be a mom.
Panic.
Excitement.
Nausea.
Joy.
Panic.
Love.
My pregnancy was very emotional. A lot was going on in that time period; I didn't really get to enjoy that time. It was a rollercoaster of emotions (and not just cause of the hormones!). I had my heart broken-- not just for me, but for you as well. I also broke a heart. I was so lost&' so confused, but one things stayed constant:
I needed you to have the very best life.
Before I knew it, May had rolled around&' I was counting the days to your arrival.
Finally, you were here. After a hard labor, a lot of tears&' finally overwhelming joy, you were here. You were mine. My perfect, precious baby boy. I had waited so long to meet you. You were perfect. You had his hair (exactly what I wanted) and my nose. You were so tall, your hands&' feet so big! I still, to this day, can't believe how beautiful you are. You were smiling on the day you were born. I stayed up all night, just staring at you. I couldn't wrap my head around you; how amazing. I believe in love at first sight because I'm a mom; because of you.
Please always know that I love you. And please know, that I tried. I wanted so badly to be your mommy, but I couldn't. I was in such a bad place. How could I possibly take care of you, when I couldn't even take care of myself? It wouldn't have been fair to you to drag you through my mess of a world.
So I did what I knew was best, what my heart was telling me: I decided to place you for adoption. And lucky for me, I knew the perfect people for you. Shannon&' Bryan. My sister&' her husband. They are the perfect fit for you. Shannon loved you so much from the day she found out you were coming&' I knew that there could simply not be a better choice. The day I asked her to adopt you, was one of the hardest days of my life. My heart was breaking.
Your parents agreed; they would love nothing more to add you to their darling family.
After that, I just... fell apart. I lost my way, I lost myself. I was hurting, but the most important thing in the world to me was that you were okay. And yes-- there was a lot of craziness in the time spanning to your adoption. And someday, you'll hear it all. All of the messiness, hear about the tears shed, the frustrations, and the happy times too.
It took me a long time, but I finally got myself to a place where I was healthy again. And you grew up so fast. You're so smart, so handsome, so funny. Everyone says you look like me, have little quirks like I do. I feel like I got all of that from you. You've taught me so much..
After 2 years, we got the news that the adoption could finally take place; what a bittersweet day that was. My heart broke again&' again as I signed those papers, but seeing you with your family, your amazing mom, sisters&' daddy, I knew that this was right. This was why you were sent to me.
I am so proud of the person you are becoming&' I hope someday you'll be proud of me too. I can't wait to keep watching you grow, hear about all the funny things you do. I am so blessed to have you in my life&' so grateful for your family.
I love you more than you will ever know, Kaden, my little burrito.
Love always,
me.
Please like&' share my new Facebook page for adoption support--
www.facebook.com/BirthMotherFirstMother
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