I realize that some of my readers may not know me, and only stumble across my blog-- and if I'm lucky, read it-- by chance. And I simply love that, and I would love it even more if I had return readers and followers. (It makes me feel like I'm not talking to myself-- which I do sometimes.. I think it's a pregnancy thing.)
Regardless, I thought I would give ya'll a little bit of a back story into my life, and share my story with you. It is something I feel very strongly about, and something very, very IMPORTANT. I want my story, no matter how simple it is, to be heard, because I want it to help people. So I'm going to share this with you, and I hope it helps those of you that need it, and I hope it sends a message to those of you who know little about it. Please, bear with me-- I'm not to good at this writing my back story thing, and it has proved difficult for me.
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I was placed for adoption when I was very young, around 3mo. if I remember correctly. My birth parents were heavily involved in the drug world, and were in no way, fit to be parents at the time. No, I don't know them. I know names, I've seen pictures, and I've heard stories. Right now, I have no desire to meet them, but that could change later on in life. I was adopted by K and D* into their large, never-a-dull-moment family. I had 6 older siblings at that point, and, that wouldn't be the end of our growing family. My siblings all had drug related backgrounds, just like me, and I guess in a way, it gave us another invisible bond. We were all survivors.
I don't remember a lot of my childhood. I have brief, fleeting memories once in awhile. Playdates at the park, going to Lagoon a couple times with D and my siblings. What I do remember, I sometimes wish I didn't. I won't go into details-- not heavily anyway. That will have to be for another time. When I was around 4 or 5, I was introduced to a world that I should, nor should anyone, never have experienced.
I was being sexually molested.
My 'brother' B was the beginning. I don't remember how it started. Instead, I remember smells, and feelings, and 'rituals'. I remember threats, dread, and eventually, a sense of normalcy. I thought for awhile that it was a normal thing, it happened to everyone. As I got older, the abuse continued. It was more frequent, more... aggressive. The threats of "If you tell mom, she'll be so mad at you, and you'll get into a lot of trouble." are seared into my mind forever. And I believed it. This was my fault. It was wrong, and I was to blame. I didn't understand that, but he was older, so he must be right.
This continued until I was about 13. My other adoptive brother K started molesting me for a very short time after B was turned in. K was turned in as well, and then the healing began. The questions, the answers, the police investigations, the therapy, more police officers, and then the court dates.
Those months, much like the years of abuse, are a single blur in my mind, thanks to a little disorder the professionals like to call PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). However, the therapy did help. If it hadn't, I wouldn't be able to talk about this. I wouldn't know that I am not a victim of sexual abuse, but a survivor.
Not to say that the abuse didn't effect me in negative ways. In my teenage years, I became, what I'll refer to as, boy crazy. I had a fear of being alone, so I would fight to keep my relationships afloat-- even if it meant losing my virginity before I was ready, and being sexually active because I thought it would keep me in a relationship. I still, to this day, have 'triggers'. Certain smells, or moments that will send me into a sort of panic attack. And they can always be different, and I'll never know when one will hit me. I have moments of OCD that I believe are results from the abuse, and moments where I sit and just dwell on what happened, and wonder if I could have done anything to prevent it, even though I know it's impossible.
I hope that for those of you reading this, if you've been through sexual abuse, or know someone that has, that this will help. I can tell you that it does get easier, but it will never go away. And that you are NOT a victim. You are a SURVIVOR. And don't be afraid to talk about it. It really does help, and is extremely beneficial.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
Sexual abuse is unfortunately, a common thing, and for those of us that have been through it have messages to get out. We can help other people. So please, don't be afraid to talk about it. Your story could help someone, and together, we can make a difference that could save a life.
If any of you that have read this are being abused, please don't be afraid to reach out. I will leave my email at the end of this post that you can email me at, as well as links that you can go to that will help as well.
Thank you so much for reading this, and please, if you know someone that has been abused, please share it with them. Together, we can change the world.
Stay strong, and keep your heads held high.
ღxo--
E. Hunter
eviej.hunter@gmail.com
